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It Will Be A Minutebefore I make another entry. Probably sometime this weekend. Thanks to all who stopped by. I'm attempting to return comments during this crazy period. Think of me kindly, pray for me if you are so inclined, have a laugh on me (that's the one I appreciate the most). See you in a few days. G. For David...Blog walk topic: If you were King for one day and could make one law. What would it be? In honor of 'If I Were King', whom I did not know, but who seemed to touch many lives, Ben suggested this topic. My response: If I were Queen (cause let's face it, I ain't got the apparatus to be King; but the good works I do have are joyful and pleasureful indeed!) I would require that every man, woman and child imagine the person they Love most is the one they are interacting with each time they have a conflict, and that that person is about to die. No tomorrow, no way to let it pass. I would require an accounting for every action - a Love accounting. I would require each human to think, speak and act in Love - that doesn't mean always making others happy, because sometimes Love means saying no or goodbye or sorry, but... If I were Queen, the Spirit, then the heart, then the mind and finally the body, would lead. Oh my, if only I were Queen... On another note - David seems to spark all kinds of revelations for me. Here is a comment I left on his space... Oh my God, David. I can see my Life spread out in front of me everytime I read your blog. You scare the sh*t out of me! Because I don't want the carefree days, my glory days (which weren't really glory-filled, but I didn't/don't care), the days when I seemed to be in step and full of the rhythm of Life, to just slip away. I need to know how to keep them going or how to wave goodbye without an enormous sense of loss. (Now I have to decide if I should delete this or not, because I have gone and told the truth but, not in a gentile sort of way - more like a b*tch in a china shop.) I guess I see you as having the ability to make a different choice but, in the same way that I might, you choose what seems 'right' from a practical angle - because at some point you have to grow up, right? But you're not really grown up, are you? Me neither; far from it. But I should be and it's irresponsible not to be. And I never wanted to look like the crowd but now I don't give enough of a sh*t to rebel. So I have two pairs of pants that I have recycled for the last year. And I don't like the way I look, because I'm overweight and old, so why bother. But aren't I worth it? Oh, I know this should be about you, David. But all my buttons got pushed at once and I can see myself (and because I may not really be seeing you at all, you should ignore everything I said with your name attached 'cause it was really just about me). I can see that I made my world very small in an effort to grow up; that when I dream of a little girl it's not my daughter, but some part of myself that I put away and need to take care of and wish I could protect. I won't grow up, (I won't grow up) I don't want to wear a tie. (I don't want to wear a tie) And a serious expression (And a serious expression) In the middle of July. (In the middle of July) And if it means I must prepare To shoulder burdens with a worried air, I'll never grow up, never grow up, never grow up Not me, Not I, Not me! So there! Anyway, when I turned 40 I was gloriously happy and I thought it was only fools who suffered middle age crises. Oh laugh, a good laugh, 'cause I did finally figure it out. I'm just a little slow. I did grow up after all (I thought I had a lot of good and important reasons to do it) and now, I think it was a mistake. The only question is can I undo the damage? You take it light, David. And spill some grape jelly on that perfectly beige carpet, run with scissors and climb a tree. Forget, for just a moment, that you don't really care if you do it or not - just tand up and go for it! The TruthOne night, about 2 weeks ago, I had a little too much wine and wrote about the TRUTH (though I never posted the entry). It's a strange concept, the truth. for while we often think there is only One. There is usually, mine, yours, theirs and ours. Layers upon layers. This night, I thought a lot about two men that I Love fiercely, Paul and Michael. One will read this, the other will not. They are as different as night and day, white and black and yet, they have several unifying elements. Yes, the first is that I Love them both; the second, I have known them both for many years - 20 and 13, respectively and lastly, (most importantly???) neither will risk (or perhaps really wants) an up-close, intimate relationship with me. I have spent a good deal of my mental energy trying to figure this out. Loss, rejection, friendship, Love, kindred connection, all seem to weave a pattern within the context of my Life. I stand, perplexed, wondering how all the notions of Love that I have held for 40 years or so are so incredibly inadequate. So nonsensical, so lacking in everyday practicality that I might know deep in my soul a bountiful Love for each of these men that I can feel returned on so many levels and yet still wander the face of this planet alone. I know there are innocents among you who will say "but you are not alone, Gayle. You have been sent these angels who are special to you (and you to them) and that is a gift." True, yes, that is a bit of truth. But, my bed lies empty, my phone doesn't ring each night with the sound of comfort, nor does the load of my Life get shared with a partner; that is equally true. There are these brush your teeth, wipe your *ss considerations in Life that shout for attention. When I have free moments, I try to understand how I came to be in this position; sitting late at night in front of a computer without companionship. I am not lamenting, but I am struggling to understand if there was something I could have done or said or been that might have turned things. What can I do now to shift this position? Not with these men, they are forever my friends and lost to the possibility of romance with me (or so I believe tonight, with Venus in such a precarious position). There is always tomorrow and its promise, however. I keep getting closer and closer to 50 and the reality of finite days is settling in and rattling round in the bones and the blood. Will I find my end without a fierce and passionate Love by my side? Worse yet, without having ever lived days, years and lifetimes with such a Love? The sadness of that fate I can not adequately express. Perhaps I did not understand this in an earlier Lifetime and am now being shown the proof of Love's power. Or, maybe I am just one random, aging woman, floating on a spinning ball whose laughter and tears simply need a witness and there is none. I know I am good and strong and wonderful in many ways. I know I am worthy. But these days I wonder if I am really willing; if I could risk another heart ache/break. It might shut me down forever. Or, it might free me. That's the odd thing about the future, you can't tell its impact no matter how diligently you try to anticipate all the angles. My big secret (not so secret, really) is that I want to try, one more time before it's all said and done for this black girl. One more chance to grab at the brass ring and open up this heart of mine. What scares me is the notion that I may have to open my heart first, as a prerequisite to Love. In fact, I'm 99% sure that's what it will take and I don't know if I have it in me. I'm at that middle age where there are a multitude of unknowns knocking at the door. I need the courage and discipline to check the peep hole and open the latch; to relax into the arms and Life of another being, to let things be, just as they are; to create what I desire. I have a plan to get there - therapy and gently placing one foot in front of the other. Random (or maybe not) thought - last night my father came to me in a dream. There had been a flood and my daughter and I retreated to the upper floors of our home. Then airplanes began to fall from the sky, shattering around my home. Daddy was grabbing pieces out of the air before they could hit the house and destroy us all. My daddy, the Wonder Man, the Supreme Son-of-a-B, was protecting me like he always did, like I sometimes need, right now. I miss him and simply wander around the ultimate contradiction of our unconditional Love for one another. I've likely said too much and then again not enough. But, it's late and I'm entitled to my ramblings. If you waded through, I thank you. If not, there is no ill will. Tonight I am without answers; holding an open space for Love in my life, searching for the way to make it alright if Love does not appear again, searching for the path to walk to give this Life meaning, value and grace in an often meaningless and graceless world. My friends, I wish you the comfort and peace I seek for my own Spirit. The Heart of The MatterDon Henley Why I Blog - Or How Did I Get Here, Anyway?Okay, so I think the work madness has ended. I finally have time to think! After leaving work at 11:45 pm I don't think I could stand to see that office for a few days. Luckily, Monday is a holiday. Okay, Let me answer the 'Why do you blog?' question. I started because I was hopeful about the possibility of a romantic and very long distance relationship (across the ocean-you know who you are) last year and the idea of doing something new, or entering new territory was very appealing. I was in a space of exploring something joyful for myself, a space to call my own, so to speak. It was a very short-lived hope, but I realized that this space could be the way that I look in the mirror. I had an opportunity to express myself and to see myself. Wow! There is little chance for that in the day-to-day world I call my Life. And then I made friends, something I did not anticipate, though as I read your blogs I longed to know you and be noticed by you. I am astounded sometimes by how willing you are to be here with me. Just like a friend to surprise you with kindness and care. Today, I blog because some of you seem to know me better than I know myself. Just ask David, who led me to realize that while I didn't want the life of anyone else at that party, it was the fantasy of the Life I thought I ought to have to which I was clinging. I realized that I am facing Life without my 'someday' fantasy. Someday, I'll lose those extra 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 lbs. Someday, I'll find a sweet man with whom I will live out my days. Someday, Peace and Love will reign across the lands and humans will understand one another, care for one another, whether friend or stranger. Someday... At 50, the realization of limited days in this physical form doesn't come as a surprise. It's the snowball effect it is having in so many areas of my Life that has taken me for a loop. I am learning to Love my Life, this Life, just as it is. It may not get better than this (not that this is so bad, really), it may never be what I hoped and dreamed. So, I'm growing up; releasing lots of fantasies and deciding to whole-heartedly Love and fiercely embrace this Life of mine, as it is. My thanks to Blogland, and its thin veil of anonymity, that allows me to express the truth about myself. To say things that I would not say to the day-in-and-day-out people of my Life before I started blogging. It has been the place I can be scared instead of strong; tired instead of willing; angry instead of patient. Being here has made who I am much more tolerable, in my own mind. I find I am more relaxed about telling the truth and being true to my feelings because of the practice I have had here. But, when all is said and done, I blog for me and because of you. Because you are here, reading, and that means we have shared something; we've had a chance to connect, to see each other for real, even if it is in a virtual world! A wonderful holiday to everyone! |
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