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TaggingTuesday's Blog Walk topic will be supplied by The Romantic Unicorn. Enjoy! Tuesday Blog: Pay It ForwardThere are lots of instances that I can recall where others have been exceedingly kind to me. But, I am choosing to write about three extraordinary people who, through their kindness, enabled me to bring forth a miracle.
At the ripe age of 36 I discovered I was pregnant. I was mateless, and surprisingly ecstatic. I forged forward, hopeful that all would be well, amazed by the odds I had beaten and too naive to be frightened. That, dear friends, did not last long.
Within three weeks of the confirmation of my pregnancy I began to bleed heavily - Emergency Room action, DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200. I laid on the table and spoke to my unborn child. I did not beg or plead, but soothed. I Love you and I want you more than anything. I know this may be hard but I will take such good care. Don't give up, stay with me, stay with me, I Love you. I breathed into the space of possibility and refused to acknowledge any other possibilities - I was terrifiedand I fought against that terror that threatened to rip my dreams to shreds.
Sometime, in the wee hours of the morning I was released from the hospital on strict bed rest. A friend drove me home across NYC, to my East Harlem apartment.
For two weeks I tried to keep up a strong facade. I was only allowed out of bed to go to the bathroom (which scared me because of what I might see since I was still having cramps) and for 5 minutes to warm-up food in the microwave. I counted down the days and was grateful for friends and family who stayed with me, sitting and listening to my fear and my hopes.
Finally, I went to see my doc who listened to the baby's heartbeat and asked a bunch of questions and then told me to put my feet up because I was on bed rest for the duration of my pregnancy. I tried to negotiate and then to plead, my doctor's reply was simple "If you want this baby, go home and get to bed".
My world felt like it was about to come crashing down. I was consulting at the time, and if I didn't work, I didn't eat. But, my three business partners chose to Pay It Forward. Until that time we split our monies based upon the work delivered. To help me do this enormous thing, they each contributed a portion of their earnings for 10 months (yes, even after the baby was born) and supported me. Jeez, I'm tearing-up...
To Phyllis, Liz and Bruce I owe the Life of my daughter. A pregnancy as tenuous as mine might not have survived the stress of moving and trying to care for myself on little or nothing, alone. I suppose I could have chosen to stay with family, but that comes iwth its own stress. These angels saved me from even having to worry - every two weeks or so money flowed in to my bank account - month after month.
Have no doubt, those days were hard days, in their way. Laying on the sofa, looking up at the patch of sky overhead, speaking to friends whose lives continued to move on - I forced myself to hold on. Forced myself to maintain my sanity, to stand strong when the biological father became threatening, to cry only 15 min. a day (for fear I would send adrenalin and other chemicals released during intense emotion into her bloodstream), to forego amniocentesis because it would likely compromise my pregnancy, to wonder if I could bear a severly disabled child and then decide I would bear whatever might come, to simply allow Life to take me where it would, knowing I had no control over my circumstance and to eventually accept this as my truth.
I couldn't have done these things without the help of those three amazing beings, who Loved me well and gave me what I could not give myself. I am eternally grateful and hope the payments I have made forward do them justice.
May each of you experience the unconditional Love that comes from giving or receiving a kindness paid forward.
Be well...
Lebanon, My Soul CriesThere is an article in The Guardian (a UK publication) about the horror that is unfolding in Lebanon and its recent history. Read it and then, if you are a US citizen, I ask that you write or call your House Representative and Senator and ask them to discontinue the direct and indirect US support of this bloodshed. We are all human, One, in many different types of clothing. It's time for us to find another way.
You are the way and the wayfarers. And when one of you falls down he falls for those behind him, a caution against the stumbling stone. Ay, and he falls for those ahead of him, who though faster and surer of foot, yet removed not the stumbling stone. .. And if any of you would punish in the name of righteousness and lay the ax unto the evil tree, let him see to its roots; And verily he will find the roots of the good and the bad, the fruitful and the fruitless, all entwined together in the silent heart of the earth. And you judges who would be just, What judgment pronounce you upon him who though honest in the flesh yet is a thief in spirit? (From The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran - Lebanese writer and artist. For more works go to http://www.leb.net/~mira/)See you on Tuesday. Pay It ForwardTuesday Blog Walk Topic - I've been tagged to supply the topic, so here goes:
I hope you have all seen the movie Pay It Forward. If not, I highly recommend it. One of the central themes of the flick is the idea that you can show extraordinary kindness and compassion by doing one thing for someone that they might not be able to do without your help. In the movie you are required to show this type of kindness to three people. In return, they must each do the same for three other people of their choosing.
This week's topic requires that you write about a time when someone showed you extraordinary kindness - not necessarily by making a GRAND gesture, but by doing or saying something that helped or supported or had real meaning to you. Share your experience with us.
If it pleases you to take it one step further, commit an act of extraordinary kindness for someone else, ask for nothing in return except that they do the same for one other person. That's paying it forward, I hope you decide to play.
The Collage of My LifeThis week's blog topic is brought to us by Linda:
If you could paint a collage of your life, what would be the 20 most important things that you would have to add to make the picture complete? It can be good, bad, ugly or nice and funny. What makes you the person you are today?
Books- of all kinds, science fiction to scientific explanations of the Universe; from simple Love stories with complex characters to the poems of e.e. cummings and Maya; James Baldwin to M. Scott Peck, Emily Cady to Thich Nhat Hanh,Peter Senge to Deepak Chopra, Kotter to Dan Brown. I am a reader.
Sunlight- One of my earliest memories is watching the sunlight pour through a small corner window in the living room of my childhood home. I played with it on my hand and, watching the dust fall, I was transfixed. While I have followed the rules of decorum in my current home and placed coverings on those windows facing the street, the back of my home remains without blinds - a welcoming gesture to the sun.
Food- though reluctant to admit it, food has been my drug of choice. I use it to feel better, to celebrate, to soothe my lonliness when it crops up and to show my Love to friends and family, I often cook. I am currently working hard to break responses that are part habit, part desperation, part lack of conscious decision-making and food represents the most difficult of these.
Mom- I have such a complex relationship with this woman. As I age I see similarities that I appreciate and others that I would rather not have. She can be abrasive, overbearing, judgmental and condescending. She is also independent, fiercely protective of those she Loves, frugal and decisive. I don't believe I fully embody the first set of characteristics, but I do some of those traits do show up from time to time. I work hard to be conscious of them and minimze their outbreaks! As for the second set of traits, I am independent to a fault; having little understanding of how to function outside of this mindset. I would like to take on a bit more of my mother's sense of financial conservatism, I am much more of an in-the moment, live-for-today kind of spender. Without Mom I wouldn't be who I am.
Dad- I don't think I want to elaborate because Dad, though I Loved him dearly, is the reason I find it so hard to trust men. And, of course, the men I am attracted to are a lot like Dad. Crazy circular behavior, I know. Just one of the automatic responses I am disconnecting. But, with his faults came a powerful Love - I'm still Daddy's girl...
Melancholy (A Collage Patch of Various Shades of Grey)- Seems my picture is in the dictionary beside the definition of this word. It started when I was very young and I fight it regularly. Turning my face towards the sun is a way of Life for me. My greatest joy as a Mom is that my child rises every morning in the sunlight and she can see it. She doesn't need to fight her way through the mud to find it. It's there for her - yea!!!
Beach- Sand and ocean. It doesn't matter if it rains or if it's cold or who I am or am not with. The beach is the place of wholeness for my Spirit.
Spirit- In a nutshell, the world beyond our 5 senses. That place we are connected to by our inner Life. My peace, my joy, my truth are all found here.
Ideas (A Giant Light Bulb Will Do)- I am filled with them and excited to make many of them reality. I support the ideas of others and work hard to find congruence between mine and theirs; to discover ways to create the best of what surfaces in my mind.
Airplanes- When I was a teenager I used to ride my bike to Kennedy Airport and watch the planes take off at night. I wanted to know where they were going and why; what it would feel like to fly off into the sky on a new adventure. I got to find out about 10 years later and flew off to exotic and mundane places on a regular basis. I have had many adventures and look forward to flying off into many more. I Love airplanes!
Paper, Pen & Email- Writing is a favorite pastime. When I have a Lover I leave notes and letters that express the truth in my heart better than the words from my mouth seem capable of doing. It's why blogging is such fun and so fulfilling for me.
Camera- I enjoy taking photos and have a new digital in my future. An ex used to have a studio and we would go out and shoot then develop the black & white film. It was always a rush to watch the image float up onto the paper. Stay tuned for more of my originals.
Theater/Acting- I am an in-the-closet actor. This fall I am giving myself the gift of classes, the gift of play. The little one and I have begun going to the theater again, now that I have a little bit more disposable income (told you I could use more of Mom's frugality). I Love live theater - I played Ruth Younger (A Raisin in the Sun) in my high school senior production and classmates and their parents told me they shed tears. I was too afraid to pursue this dream in my youth, but that's the beauty of age - you learn what's important and what's not. Look out Alfe Woodard!
 Learning- I am a junkie for learning new things. I don't have to know everything about the subject or become an expert in the process, but most things interest me. When I was married to a dentist I used to read his journals and would ask him questions about the articles just so I could understand. Now here's the thing (and probably another reason why we divorced), I didn't want to know because it interested him, I just wanted to know because it interested me. Which leads me to my next collage element...
A Giant Brain- I live in my head. I have a hard time understanding the world around me which seems so bent on destruction and the oppression of others. I don't believe in the value of external beauty or most symbols of materialism. I mean there are so many ways to see God reflected in other human beings other than cosmetic surgery and name brand items. Of course, on the other side of that arguement, I have nothing against beauty and luxury. I just can't see chasing it when there is so much that has greater value. Again, I live in my head where it gets preachy and just a wee bit haughty. I've been trapped here, but I'm trying to escape.
A Bit of Wild Hair/ Wild Dress- I am often the odd one in a crowd of my own age. Don't like suits but I Love clothing with an ethnic flair. I wear my hair locked as a tribute to my natural beauty, though I don't see many other women with the style. I like to dress comfortably, which lets out a lot of styles for women. Most of what passes as stylish and essential for women seems to require a high tolerance for pain (high heels, thongs, botox) from my perspective. So, while I'm not totally off the beauty map, I'm not contemporary traveler either.
 Where Would I Be Without My Grey Chin Hairs?- Maturity. More difficult to come to terms with than I thought it would be, but far better than the alternative! I'm getting older and in some ways I'm getting better. In other ways - well let's just say the chin hairs speak for themselves.
Red Wine- Good for the digestion, good for the Spirit.
A Laptop- I like laptops for all the obvious reasons: light weight, fast - a portable desktop. My laptop kept me wired no matter where my Life took me. I miss you, may you rest in peace and LCD heaven.
My Daughter- the best part of my day on most days. She has taught me more about the good parts of Love than anyone else on the planet. She is a gift. I couldn't have created such beauty because I couldn't have conceived of it. I thank Spirit for her daily.
Well, good people, I will be back next week. And there's a new computer in my very near future! Be well...
The Purpose of LifePeace Mama and family have moved into a new home!!! Here are some flowers for your garden...
 This week's blog walk is by The Chosen One 1992 :
Most human beings are born, educated by their parents, then they live life, fall in love, get married, have kids, grow old and then fade away. In that time, they may make money, help some people, but their acts, do the really make any difference at all in a broader perspective. Because I don't think this is the reason why we are born, I'd like to know what our purpose is, if there is any at all.
This is, of course, the question at the central core of Life. Though I cannot say this with 100% certainty, I believe the answer changes as we mature, because we change. The perspective I had at 20 was vastly different than the one I hold at almost 50.
When I was younger every "real" gesture was a grand one. I wanted to save the world, end hunger and suffering, teach others the beauty of strength and gentleness in combination. Once upon a time, I thought I had the answers for the world or, at least I had the right questions.
But these days, I realize that it is the day-in-and-day-out small gesture that makes a difference in the lives of others. The simple smile extended to an outsider; the wave to a person you see everyday, even if you have never been introduced - these things make a difference. And showing those who have lost all their possessions where they can find the right size shirt or pair of shoes on a table piled high with other people's give-aways; bringing peace into an environment fraught with in-fighting and sniping; saying a silent prayer for those who would harm you because they are afraid of their own humanity and cannot understand yours - these things are the purpose of my Life.
I have come to realize that I may never be Queen or matriarch or CEO. I am only one human being. I am one and part of the One in which all things exist and that means I am connected to everything that lives, that has breath, that is. So, just as a butterfly flaps it's wings in Brazil and a tornado begins in Texas, my smile can light the world, can perhaps bring warmth to your heart without your understanding how you can feel so very good when nothing extraordinary has happened.
I say all this only to state that Life is. Its purpose decided upon by you to do with it as you will - free will. Consider though that you are part of something greater than yourself, no matter what you may call it; your actions matter and have impact.
I doubt I have answered your powerful question fully, but I have done the very best I can at this stage in Life. Perhaps when I am 80 I will have better answers.
Be well...
For those of you who've been wondering where I have been, I'm without my computer and will wait a bit before purchasing a new one. I'm also out and about, creating that Life I say I want. Still no man though, Hope, but my heart is open! I haven't been leaving comments, but I still drop by to visit - look for my trail in the stats. Love you all...
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