Gayle's profileGayle's Joy in LifePhotosBlogListsMore  |  Tools Help |
Green Around the GillsLakota brought this little test into my world. Just a bit of fun and a perfect reflection of how I'm feeling...
***You Are Mint Green***
Balanced and calm, you have mastered the philosophy of living well. Your friends seek you out for support, and you are able to bring stability to chaotic situations. You're very open and cheerful - and you feel like you have a lot of freedom in life. Your future may hold any number of exciting things, and you're ready for all of them! A Trip to the MountainsI. Light Reflection
I spent the past few days at a coaching conference and it was a complete gift from the Universe. I was in the mountains, near natural streams, hiking and enjoying the vivid green (pics will post soon). The learning was good; confirming a great deal of what I know and do. I gained a lot of useful forms and tools and had a chance to observe myself in a setting that is larger than my daily world.
Here is the Gayle that I saw:
Intelligent
Articulate
Friendly
Open
Honest
Competent
Relaxed
Joyful
Knowledgeable
I was surprised by how receptive so many people were to me. I met two wonderful women - one from the Appalacian Mtns in Tennessee and one from NYC. They work together and were a great and pleasureable surprise. We became fast friends, talking into the late evenings, and exchanged contact info. I think there's a shopping trip in our future - to a discount house they tell me I have to check out. I may even find a date, since the husband of one of these new friends of mine has said he knows someone I might like. How very, very nice.
II. Because Seasons Change
Re-reading the list above, I consider toning it down, balancing it out, pulling back a bit from such positive self-accolades. It wasn't long ago when I lived like an animal who returns each evening to the back porch to be kicked and cursed because there is also a bowl of scraps to sustain its basic need. I worked hard and made my Self small (to keep from being noticed, to keep from shining) and bit back my ideas and swallowed my pride (though as for pride, some of what I lost need not return). Through it all though, I had a knowing that I belonged there, that this was my divine path, and what a hard one it proved to be.
To help me survive, for about two years, once or twice a day, I would replay a scene from the Last Samurai in my head: Nathan Algren, after being captured and taken to the Samurai camp, shouts at Katsumoto "Why are you keeping me here?" Katsumoto replies, "In the spring the passage will clear and you will be free to return. For now you are here so, what will you do?" (For those who know the dialogue, forgive me for reconstructing as my memory serves)
Those words carried me through much of the brutality and isolation I suffered. I held hope that spring would come, that I would make my way to a green path; a path where I could see beauty, feel Love and embrace Life without relying solely on that substance of things hoped for, evidence of things yet unseen - my Faith.
These past few days (though it's been slowly building since December and my new position) have left me feeling as if the warmth of the sun is once again finding its way to my pillow. I no longer rise in darkness, but with the kiss of light in my eyes and on my heart. I am, in little bits, becoming my Self. And I am so grateful to the steadfast friends who held my hands and soothed me with the sound of their collective voice, to my Nana and to Daddy, both Spirit now, and who watch over me and nudge me on (whispering to me in my dreams that all is well) and to each of you - my blogland Loves who have cheered me on.
When November arrives, I will have completed 50 times around the sun while riding on this spinning planet. I will have experienced more than I dreamed of when young, but far less than I am capable of before I am done. There are energies gaining strength, fairy dust at my feet and God's Love in my heart. I am blessed.
Take it ever so light...
Photo credit: http://www.greenroomflooring.com/ Irish Anyone?MacDara has provided the blog questions for the week - here goes...
When you hear the term Irish or Irish person what springs to your mind? Is it Drink, Great writing or What's Irish ? Well, with a great sense of irony, the first thing that "springs" to mind is the soap product, mass marketed in the US in the '70s - Irish Spring. It was green and had a very heavy perfumy scent to which I was allergic.
That being said I think of the following: John F. Kennedy (1st Irish Catholic American President), St. Patrick's Day, the Irish Republican Army, lepruchans, Riverdance, William Blake, Danny Boy, the beauty of nature's greens, browns and greys. What does your nationality ( American, Russian etc) mean to You and what would you like it to say about you? I've posted on a related topic recently (April 15 - What'a a Border?) I'm not one for isms - patriotism and nationalism included. Being an American to me means working hard to be mindful of the pitfalls of a consumer based culture. It means struggling with all the frailties to which humans are subject, but often with a sense of superiority gained from wealth and an overabundance of things. Being American means being young (compared to other cultures) and in the youthfulness of a culture, lacking the understanding gained from longevity. Lacking a sense of origin/tradition, being continually reborn through the mixing and layering of different cultures, America is dynamic in its definition. That is the weakness and the strength of the great social experiment. I think we live in a global world where the notion of nationalism is a convenient button to push when corporate or political interests have a need. But our reality is that we are interdependent and really can't afford living as if our interests are not intertwined. If you could change your nationality would you and where would you choose to be from if you did change? I'd be who and what I am. Take it light... Photo Credit: http://www.picturesdirect.com/fa118.htm
Hopes & PrayersHope, of the Tuesday Blog Walk, made a statement that bears repeating:
And that is the best reason I have seen for why I blog. It gives me hope (pun intended) that all the things that keep us separate and cause us to turn away from one another can be silenced for a moment or two. Just long enough so that even if we disagree we give one another space to be different, to think differently. And we return to find more of that person's thoughts, feelings, ideas and images to fill in the bits we don't know about.
I think one of the amazing things about the anonymity of these spaces is that we can share things we wouldn't to 'strangers' at a party, barbeque or the office. We can tell the truth that is uniquely ours and sometimes, when the Spirit is right, it can be heard and understood, even if there is no agreement. I am filled with a special sense of belonging when you let me know that you have really seen me and cared for me in the midst of me being me. You all have no idea of the enormity of that gift.
Or, maybe you do, and that makes the gift even more precious...
Hope also suggested we take turns providing the topic for the Tuesday Blog Wlak until Ben returns. I vote yes!
Take it light and let it be good to you...
What's A Border?Last week, my friend Audrey posted a piece about "Illegal Immigration". A few days ago, while attending a conference a work mate and I got into a conversation about the very same topic. It seems everyone has this notion of "illegal immigration" on their minds because of the Mexican demonstrations, so I thought I'd give my off center and probably highly unpopular view, as well.
First off, let me state that illegal immigration has the same feel to me as illegitimate children. They both ring false. The notion of lines drawn in the sand that say this is mine and that is yours and if my guns are bigger then I get more of yours and so on seems very school yard.
So, the idea that we are going to protect our borders strikes at my insides like a hot poker. Protect them from what? From whom? Poor Mexicans? I smell the old bait and switch (keep your eye on the dancing border lines) and here's what I mean.
Ever think about corporate interests and whether they are concerned/linked with local interest? You should. Consider the information gained when the management of six major US ports (including New York, Baltimore & Miami) was bid on and won by a United Arab Emigrates company. Regardless of the potential threat, the Bush govenment was going to award them the contract. Of equal interest to me was that the previous contract was held by a British firm. What, not the US? Who controls our borders, again?
Here, my friends, is the coffee that many seem unable to smell. While the average Jane & Joe, Malik & Jasmine, Cesar e Dora (and all the rest of us hybrids) think there are really such things as borders, the corporate-powers-that-be know the truth; we are one world.
Think of automobiles; all signs point to Toyota surpassing GM this year - worldwide. Car manufacturers have found the economy of scale and you can no longer tell who manufactures a car based on the model name.
Let's really talk cars because as GM/Ford goes, so goes the country, right? Ford owns Land Rover, Volvo and Jaguar. Daimler-Chrysler owns Mercedes Benz and Jeep. GM owns Hummer, Saab and Isuzu. I could go on, but you get the picture. We are one world. The only ones keeping track of the imaginary lines are the little guys and gals. The corporate entities make their decisions based upon greatest profit - that's what they're supposed to do, right? That's what the shareholders want, 'cause it's money that makes this ole world go round, ain't it?
Or, maybe we should talk about the pharmaceutical companies, who now sell you, the general public, anti-depressants, sleep aids, stress reducers, restless leg syndrome medication, anxiety meds and all the rest. You can watch ads on TV and pick your med of choice. Why? Because it's abundantly clear that the way we live is driving us crazy - but it makes some folks lots of money and keeps most of us on a tread mill we can't figure out how to get off. We're kept doped up and running fast - and we think illegal Mexican immigrants are our problem. Oh my, this is beginning to sound like a conspiracy theory and I try to steer clear of those.
But, what about the threat of terror? It now seems to have been reduced to Moussaoui and his participation in the 9/11 attacks. But what of Osama? What of all the cells in Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan?
So, march against illegal immigration; write your congressperson and your local Op Ed. H*ll, write a blog about it. Send those illegal criminals home or, at the very least, tax their *sses. Everyone's gotta pay the piper, right?
Keep your attention on the border lines. Because the great Spiritual concept of "All is One" is happening right before your very eyes. But, it ain't a purty sight.
Take it light...
Photo Credit: http://www.timesreporter.com/index.php?ID=52906&r=2
The Road Not TakenGel posted our blog walk this week in honor of Ben:
If you could change just ONE thing you ever did, or didn't do, what would it be?
I wrestle with this one all the time in my mind. If only I had listed my daughter's biological father on the birth certificate and sued his ass for child support. If only I had stuck with the psych program I started in college instead of switching to economics. If only I hadn't taken that consulting gig with the school district and remained independent...
But it always ends the same way. I realize that the gift of the journey is worth the pain and the fear that i encounter along the way. Not all my choices were the best of choices. With hindsight, I surely would have saved more money. But I didn't and here I am.
Which is the key to it all, isn't it? Here we are. If you generally like who you turned out to be, if you appreciate the spot in which you stand at this very moment in your Life, if you can look at your scars and love handles and smile in the morning mirror, and finally, if you can feel your heart swell from the love of friends, lovers and family, then the road not taken is only a fleeting thought.
The real action lies on the road ahead of you.
Travel light, travel well...
Photo credit: http://www.fws.gov/northeast/moosehorn/trails.htm
______________________________________________________________
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveller, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth; Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear; Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same, And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back. I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-- I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. Robert Frost - The Road Not Taken DesireSome Things I Desire (in order of thought, not importance)
It's amazing the things that can run through your head when you're on spring break (which really means your off the race track that is your Life and can breathe and sleep late and relax with your child and slowwwwwww way down)! Take it light y'all... Photo Credit: http://www.hamoabay.com/aerial.html What's Love Got To Do With It?Okay, Ben has hit us with a real Tuesday Challenge:
Tuesday's blog topic is as follows:
How do you know you truly love someone?
Is it important to you that that love is returned?
Who do you love and why?
This is an incredibly difficult question for me. If I think of it in terms of my daughter, it's very clear. But, that's taking the easy way out.
How do you know you truly Love someone?
I always have this moment where I choose to Love; to let in the cause of my heart's flutter. I have that moment where I make the choice to become family, to give and Love from the deepest place I know. So I guess that's how I know. Some event happens, some question is posed and I respond from that open place and that's how I know that I Love. For me, it's not the romance or sex (though I am greatly appreciative of those things), like Chaka Khan's "Through the Fire" , I know that when I'm willing to go through the fire then what's in my heart is Love.
Is it important to me that my Love is returned? The obvious answer is "of course". But that wouldn't be the whole truth because I have Loved men who did not return that Love, more than once. I know that over time they came to Love me (as they are two of my closest friends), but they didn't start out in that space.
I have been, sadly, an easy mark for the everyday 'player'. Not the slick and sophisticated, but the guy who imagines himself as James Bond. One who has that regular guy, sincere quality with just the right amount of boyish joy - perfect. I think my Dad must have been this kind of man in his youth. To the little girl that I was, he was just Daddy. By the time I really got to see him (with some measure of woman's objectivity) he was in his 50s and deep in the throes of mid-life and suffering his own personal brand of insanity.
Somewhere in the deepest part of me is the belief that we are all connected, that we come together in proof of that truth, that we are at our best when we Love, and that we need each other more than we know or than we can say. Because of this, I Loved the men I have Loved and then, one day (perhaps from the shear persistence of my heart) they Loved me in return.
It's hard won Love and though it has never taken the shape I first hoped for, it created relationships, friendships, that I would not trade. But, I find myself unable to continue giving Love that way. I no longer trust my choice in men and I don't have the energy, the heart, the innocence to do another round of Love like that.
So, Who do I Love? I haven't been in an intimate realtionship in 8 years (heading hard on 9). I've dated, but the pickings are slim and my best qualities seem not to be the ones that attract the male of the species. And I am frightened of Loving the way I have in the past; unclear of how to Love in ways that feel self-affirming, rewarding, comforting and honoring of who I am, from the very start.
These 8 years have taught me the qualities I desire in a mate, but I don't trust easily anymore. It's hard for me to believe that there isn't a shell game going on; that the man I see will be the man I get. (Sorry guys, but too many of you feel like shape shifters, masters of illusion to me.) The two or three men I've dated recently who I believe were real, were just not available (in a really medically ill, just out of a very long marriage or not attracted to me kind of way).
The better answer, I guess, is that I am trying to learn to Love me - full throttle, nothing in reserve. I'm trying to show up for Gayle, to walk through the fires of my Life with tenderness and respect for myself. I'm learning to look in the mirror and see someone really worthy of my Love looking back at me.
I'll let you know how it goes...
Photo Credit: http://www.jedsart.com/2000.htm
All The Moments AfterIt felt so strange last week reading all the comments about my moment in time. I felt like one of those men whose glory days had long gone by, but years later we find him sitting at a bar, drink in hand, reliving them as if they happened yesterday.
When that moment happened everything was possible, it was all still new (even though I was 30) and Life seemed completely open to me. These days seem smaller somehow. And I am forced to wonder if I have slipped into mediocrity anyway.
Back then, making courageous choices was easy, in fact, making that choice really wasn't courageous, at all. At the time, I remember that I didn't understand when people were awed by my saying goodbye to a Life that was materially prosperous. But, I also remember that I didn't really feel like I could do anything else. It was a defining moment and I knew it. So, I did what I had to do. Simple, really.
And it was fun and an expansive ride. The best kind of ride.
What I didn't realize was that every Life changing decision would not be so easy. Some would be a test of courage, some would define my Life in ways that would constrict and squeeze. And I wouldn't know it until I was there and living it.
I'm not sure I'm expressing this well.
The decision to become a mother, to carry this amazing being inside me until she burst forth, screaming 'I AM' seemed like a no-brainer. It was one of those decisions that I knew would define my Life and there was only one way I could go with it. It brought me joy from the depths of my being to know that I would Love deeply, completely and, for the first time in my Life, I said 'yes' to Love without reservation. I was happier than I could ever hope to describe.
And not long after, I knew fear and pain in ways that I never thought possible. These are the constricting emotions. The ones that hold you back and wear you down. They popped up at the oddest times. Like when I was in my seventh month (on complete bed rest at that point for 5 months) and I watched a sitcom preggie getting her feet rubbed by her sitcom husband. It lead to a 5 min. cry (I'd only let myself cry for 5 min. because the pregnancy was so tenuous) because no one was going to rub my feet or hold my hand or soothe me. I was going to be responsible for all of it. For taking care of myself and this new Life, on my own. And that was the beginning, I think.
The beginning of being unsure, of second guessing myself, of deciding things out of fear of what might happen. Of course, I realize that it's just the stuff of Life (stop whining I tell myself), but it feels so much smaller than the Life I once lived. I make decisions to ensure that this young lady in my care has as few bumps and as much grounding as I can provide. I make my decisions based upon what I think is best for her and I wrestle with what is best for me.
Because they are not always the same thing. In fact, I think they are rarely the same. Single parenthood carries with it the understanding that there is no safety net. No one will pick up the slack, no one will catch you if you fall, no one will rub your feet when they swell.
So, I take less risk, I ask fewer questions, I keep my head down, my bowl full of chips and my glass full of wine. Some essential part of my being is denied in this process. But, there is a part of me that sees how good these limiting choices are for those I Love.
My Mom, who is 81, and lives with us doesn't have another move in her. So, even though some days my Spirit says I need to pick up and go, I stay. If I make that decision to move on, I want it to be after she's had more of the goodness that there is for her in this Life. I want to give her as much as possible, too. Single Mom, single daughter.
I make choices with others in mind and I don't know another way to do it. Some of you have said that it's a "woman's way" to nurture others. I suppose. But, what surprises me is that it feels so crappy so much of the time. I can't seem to figure out how to put myself into this equation, there just doesn't seem to be room for another variable. Even so, I haven't given up.
There are still hopes and dreams and baby steps taken in the direction I want for my Life. These shine, even if they are overshadowed by my compromises in service to my focus on others. I have taken a stand to be an exemplary Mom, to have that be the part of my Life that bears no concessions, no dips into mediocrity. I think I am doing pretty well there.
And then again, maybe all of this is just a woman coming to terms with the notion that Life may not be some big romantic journey. I was always drawn to the quixotic path. Perhaps this is just maturity and I am still clinging to the fog of youth, to the ideas that lie just beyond the mist. Perhaps it's the reality that I was more privileged in my youth, as a young-gifted-and-black-woman than as an aging-overweight-single-under-employed-mom. Maybe I just didn't get that the parade wouldn't last forever.
But there is a part of me that knows that for as much influence as the external world has on my reality, I still have influence over my internal world. I can make my own parade, I can and I will. There's a part of my will that refuses to bend to the harsher realities, the seeming compromises and the bad choices (those chips and wine I use as medication to soothe the sore spots) of my Life.
I AM HERE.
There is the re-igniting of the work I've done in my earlier partnership and there's the work I am beginning in a new partnership. These are not things that will expand overnight. They are small, little things that will grow over time. Bits, here and there, that I am attempting to string together to create a pathway for myself. A path to the Life of my Soul.
I AM HERE.
Bruised and, I admit, more than a little confused. But, still standing, still breathing, still here. Which means there is still possibility. I AM HERE. And so are you. I'm grateful for both sides of that equation.
Take it light...
Picture credit: http://artzia.com/Recreation/Outdoor/Climbing/ |
|
|
