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Happy Birthday to MeWell, some of you have been getting testy about my lack of words. I apologize, sincerely and admit it feels good to be missed. The beach was wonderful, as the blue, blue waters always are. The pubescent wonderchild had as much fun as I did, amazingly enough. There was swimming, long walks, fish fries, blue skies, warm sun, swimming, driving on the left-hand side of the road, swimming, sand, pools, ping pong and all sorts of wonderful flavors, caves, hole-in-the-wall eateries, shopping sprees and books to read. Oh, we left with a lilt on our tongues and the song of freedom in our hearts. I had forgotten what it was like to be considered beautiful, but there, in the midst of all that beauty I found men smiling at me, giving me that look (you know the one) that says "umm, I'd like to 'know' you", introducing themselves without trying to sell me anything. I must admit it caused me some giggles to have such attention. It's been a long time. I've wondered if that attention came my way because I was just plain ole happy and it showed or maybe it was because there really do exist places where big black women are appreciated. It's likely a combination of the two. Regardless of the reason, it felt damn good! I must recommend one of the three books I read while away. 'Zorro' by Isabel Allende. It is a sweetly told story of the boyhood experiences of the legendary figure, it was a joy to read. I promise to post photos in the next few weeks. And keep your eyes out for my comments on your site - 'cause I'm back. Later Gators Hopes, Dreams and Ever AfterI've been doing the mundane work of problem solving, system report generation and data analysis during the day and by night I've been trying to figure out who I am and what I want. I know, I know, I am also struck by the similarity of my 50 year-old condition and that of my almost 13 year-old.
What is Life all about? Who am I? Why am I here? How bizarre when hormones and Life-changes rule the day. Or, as I often think now, maybe that chaotic childhood that I managed to navigate my way through has caught up to me. All that maturity that I exhibited when I was my baby's age has finally been worn down and the scared and confused kid underneath all that is popping her head up from under the covers.
I do, however, appreciate knowing that it's just some internal work that needs to be done. For sure, I will have to unearth years of pain and whatever else is buried there, but I like knowing that dealing with all that enables me to create a new balance and a new direction for myself. Not because that is where therapy always leads, but because that is the only place I am willing to go. Along the way I may fly upside down in a confusing whirl of thoughts and emotion, but I know there's another side.
I don't know how often I'll be posting. Somedays I think I'll log on and write, but my Life routine seems to take up the time I need. Other days I don't really know what to write and I think of Gel and DelSolFan and all the other good people I have met here who have decided to take a break or stop all together. But, I don't think I'm stopping, just slowing down on the writing front.
Some of that time is spent working out, some cooking and some cleaning. All of these things I would have said I hated a few months ago but, I am learning that they are all ways of caring for myself and it's long past time for me to do more of that. That I CAN be selfish and think of myself first; that I must in order to really Live.
I'm headed off to the beach for my birthday - I'll take my camera and post all the beautiful things I find on the way to finding me.
Lator Gators. |
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